Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
