we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
