He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
