My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
