I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize