my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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