The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
