lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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