If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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