i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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