My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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