Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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