There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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