The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
