May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
