its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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