mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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