Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
