True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
