So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
