cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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