ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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