How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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