Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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