I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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