i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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