Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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