I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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