I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
