There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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