If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
