I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
