I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
