if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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