my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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