Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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