just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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