I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
