I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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