Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
there is glitter all over my balls
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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