i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
