I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
