Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize