You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
