Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
