By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
