just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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