Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize