i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
