I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There's always time for handjobs
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Randomize
