dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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