If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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