I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Is Oprah even human
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
