I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
