Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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