I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
