dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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