After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
