My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
