You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize