My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
