I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
