I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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