3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
