I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
