Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize