I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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