life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
